If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
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I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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