Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
