Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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