Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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