soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
