I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
