I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
