I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i think i have two assholes
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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