I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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