i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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