I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
