I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
