She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
