i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
