Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
