Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
