based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
