He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
