hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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