I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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