I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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