This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
