I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
