dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
