So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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