I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
