remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
