I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
