Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
