Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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