also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
