she smelled like a LAN party
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
