Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
