My room smells like vodka and shame
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
