I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
