I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
