Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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