My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
