Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
