Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
