I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
