I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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