The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
