everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
