hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
