Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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