She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
