dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
