btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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