just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
