He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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