i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
