I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
