I can text with my tongue
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
