My liver just broke up with me...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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