dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
