o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
