Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We left the knife in your bed.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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