i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
